Are Your Children Your Priority After Your Divorce?

Many divorced parents say their children are their priority. Are they for you?

This self assessment is for non-violence divorces.

It includes 19 non-mandatory questions.

Please rate them according the answer that corresponds the most to your situation.

The scores that you can obtain for each question are: After having answered all the questions, you will be presented your average score as well as feedback on your answers.
 
1. Did you try to save your marriage before you divorced?
Yes, we did. We were very motivated to get our marriage back on the rails, but despite professional counseling it did not work.
Yes, we did. We even visited a professional marriage counselor a few times.
Yes, we tried. We involved friends to help us out.
No we did not. We discussed the option, but we decided to divorce.
No, we didn't. I did not come to our minds.
 
2. Do you and your ex partner blame each other?
No, we don't. My ex and I agreed we both made mistakes. We leave the past behind us. We did not tell our children exactly why we divorced.
We do very rarely. We leave the past behind us. We did not tell our children why we divorced.
We only blame each other when the children are not around
We only blame each other when the children are not around, but sometimes when they are around too
We blame each other all the time and we have heavy arguments in front of our children.
 
3. Do you keep your children away from your ex partner?
No, on the contrary. I encourage my ex and my children to meet as much as possible. Our children deserve to grow up with the 2 parents they have. I do all I can to make this happen.
No. The time the children spend with each of us has been agreed in the parenting plan. We stick to that.
No, but only if it fits my own agenda.
I keep my children away from my ex as much as possible.
I keep my children away from my ex. I fought for it in court.
 
4. Do you accept your new situation?
I am divorced. That is it. My life has changed and I make the very best out of it.
Yes, but I am not always making the best of my new situation.
Well, I have no choice. Although I miss the house I lived in and I want my ex to contribute more financially.
My ex is to blame. I will not give up the house. I want to continue life as it was before the divorce.
My ex caused the divorce. I am not going to give up our house. I'll fight in court to get as much out of the divorce as I can. I do not feel any compassion for my ex.
 
5. Do you talk with your child(ren) one-to-one about their emotions on a regular basis?
I talk often with my children about their emotions. It is not easy at all to understand their feelings. I know where they are going through.
I talk often with my children about their emotions, but mostly when they for ask it.
I talked with my children about their emotions during the divorce process only.
I rarely talk with my children about their emotions related to the divorce
I am not a psychologist. We do not talk about feelings. They'll get over it.
 
6. Do your children do better or worse at school after the divorce?
They do even better at school
They do about the same as before the divorce
My children's performances are slightly lower
My children perform clearly worse than before the divorce
They dropped out
 
7. Do your children see both their parents often enough?
We share custody or my children see both their parents at least 1 time per week.
My children see their non custodian parent less than once a week, but at least 2 times per month
My children see their non custodian parent about 6 times a year
My children see their non custodian parent 2 to 3 times a year
My children see their non-custodian parent less than once a year for a few hours only.
 
8. What are your beliefs about divorce?
The new reality after the divorce brings new opportunities. My children grow up in 2 different worlds now.
All children will be affected, but some things will change for the better.
All children will experience negative effects of a divorce, but most of them will cope with it.
Children of divorce will have a hard time. Later in life they will divorce too, because they will not be able to involve into a very personal relationship.
Children of divorce suffer. They face nothing but misery and unhappiness. Later in life, they will divorce themselves too.
 
9. Are your friends and family really supportive or do they keep talking negatively about your ex and the divorce?
My best friend does not talk about our divorce too often. She/he does not judge on of us. She/he helped me moving to my new home. If needed, she takes care of the children.
My family and friends do talk about the divorce sometimes and they help me with practical issues just now and then.
My friends and family talk about the divorce sometimes, but they do not really help me out with practical issues like picking up the children from school if I can't.
My best friends and family keep nagging about my ex and that I never should have married her / him. They do not support me with practical issues.
My best friend knows exactly how difficult my ex is. He / she keeps telling about all the bad habits of my ex. It is a good reminder for me. It confirms that I am bitter, sad and angry for a reason.
 
10. Did you explicitly tell your children the divorce was not their fault?
I told my children individually that the divorce was not their fault. I told them over and over again. That they have nothing to do with it. The divorce is something between mum and dad.
I told my children a few times that the divorce was not their fault.
I told my children once that the divorce was not their fault.
When my child said the divorce was his fault, I just said it wasn't
No, I did not tell my children that the divorce is not their fault. Why should I? They did not ask.
 
11. Do you revise and update the parenting plan regularly?
Yes, I do it regularly with my ex. We do not wait until something changes. We try to think ahead about upcoming changes in the lives of the children and of our own.
Yes, we change it regularly. After something has changed, not before
Yes, we have changed the plan a few times, but only after we found out that something did not work well for a period.
Almost never. Sometimes I or my ex changes something of the plan, but we never update the plan itself.
No, we kind of agreed on the parenting plan when we divorced. I even do not know what is in there. I never look at it. My ex does not either.
 
12. How is the relationship with your ex?
You have a new relationship with your ex and the subject of the relationship is the well being of your children
The well being of your children is the main topic, but you sometimes nag about what went wrong
The well being of your children is the main topic, but you keep on blaming each other
The well being of your children is lower on the agenda. You do a lot of blaming and communicate through your children.
You try to avoid each other. If you meet, you feel angry and it always ends in a fight.
 
13. How do you spend your time with your children?
I spend a lot of time with my children. Also one-to-one. If we are together, I switch off my mobile phone and I am 100% focussed on them. We do things together. I ask many questions. I know their friends and all the other people that are important to them.
Most of the time I am mentally 100% present for my children.
Half of the time I am fully focussed on my children. The other half I am doing my own stuff.
Most of the time I am mentally absent for my children.
I am in the same house or room, but my kid is watching TV while I am going through your emails
 
14. Do you stimulate your children to experiment, to interact with others and to discover?
Our children play often with other children. We play family games frequently. We let our children interact with others as much as possible. We go out to do stuff often.
My children play with others often. They like going to their sporting club in their free time.
My children play with others now and then. I or my ex takes them out a few times a year
Our children do not play often with friends. I rarely take them out to do stuff.
Our kids spend most of their free time watching TV
 
15. Is there a structure in the day of your children?
Breakfast and dinner are at a fixed time. Homework is done at a fixed time. There is a clear and predefined schedule to switch to the home of the other parent.
We have a schedule and we stick to it 75% of the time.
We have a schedule, but we stick to it only 50% of the time.
We have a kind of a schedule, but we stick to it only 25% of the time.
There is no fixed daily structure. The children are free to do what and when they like. The days and times at which the children move between their parents is not fixed, for example because of the irregular working schedules.
 
16. Do you protect your children well?
I let our children play. If they hurt themselves on the playground, they learn from it. I care a lot about their mental protection.
I am sometimes a little over protective for their physical health. I care a lot about their mental protection.
I sometimes let them see movies for older children.
I forbid my children to view adult movies, but they are able to view them. If they do, they get punished.
Our children have access to violent and abusive movies. We do not check what they are doing on the internet and we did install a family filter.
 
17. What is the physical distance between their divorced parents?
Our children can go to the homes of both their parents themselves. Both houses are in a short distance.
Their other parent is living 2 hours traveling away.
Their other parent is living half a day traveling away.
Their other parent is living more than half a day traveling away.
Their other parent is living a full day of traveling or more away.
 
18. How is the financial situation for your children?
You and your ex provide enough funds for your children to have a healthy live. Your children feel very safe with it.
You and your ex provide enough funds for your children to have a healthy live. However, your children do not feel very safe with it.
You and your ex provide enough funds for your children to have a reasonable live. However, your children do not feel very safe with it.
Money is a problem, but both of the parents contribute what they can.
Your children do not eat healthy food. One of their parents does not feed the bill. The custodian parent works many hours, but earns not enough to make proper a living. Non of the parents did apply for child support.
 
19. What quality of the education do your children get?
Our children get the best education. It is better than before the divorce.
Our children get the best education. It is not different than before the divorce.
Their education is almost as good as before the divorce.
Our children did a step down in education
Our children are going / went to a mediocre school after the divorce.